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Life and reflections
This morning started out pretty normal, I went into work and was doing my job.  While at work, I generally try to check my phone, always hoping to see if one of my friends has texted me or IM'd me.  I saw that I had a missed call from my dad and then a text with him asking me to call him.  I immediately got the feeling that something was wrong, and I had somehow messed up again without knowing it.

Was I ever wrong...  He started out by asking if I remembered my old elementary school friend Nick ***********, and I said I did.  He went on to inform me that he just found out that Nick had been going through some very rough times and was on anti-depressants.  Then that not too long ago Nick got depressed to the point that he severely overdosed on them and turned himself into a vegetable, needing to be on life support in a hospital.   I thought that was the worst news he had for me, until the big one finally came out... He told me that yesterday morning they pulled the plug on his life support, and he died. 

For the rest of the day at work, and even now, I keep seeing his face from when we were in elementary school, playing video games, playing football outside in the front yard, exploring the nearby woods, and more.  I haven't ever heard his name in the past 8 years until today, but I can see his smiling face and hear his quirky chuckle.  It's funny how you can still remember things like this even when you haven't though of the person in so many years.

The reasons leading up to his death also concerned me.  I always knew he was a video game enthusiast, but he still got out and did things, he seemed perfectly happy whenever I saw him, and everything seemed fine.  The only thing I could think of, was that I never once saw him talk about girls or ever have a girlfriend.  This is where my made sort of took some liberties in thinking things, but they are a possibility.  I started asking myself if maybe Nick was actually gay but didn't want to admit it to anyone, or himself, and maybe he had been bullied in high school for people suspecting.  I do not know, and I refuse to start asking his father, which could hurt him even more than I'm sure he's already hurting.  But I just can't get the idea out of my head that he may have been gay but not wanting to admit it, became super depressed, and ended up basically taking his life.  I am hearing more often stories of boys doing that all over the country due to peer pressure and depression, and it's very saddening.

The reason I have been thinking like this is because I was in denial for 8 years and was trying to change myself the entire time, trying to make myself straight instead of the forbidden, sin of all, always hated, gay.  In my sophomore and junior years of high school, there were times that I would get so depressed that I would sit on my bed, load my pellet gun with my hunting pellets and hold it against the roof of my mouth, holding that position in tears for hours.  I faced great depression, but always envisioned my dreams in life in order to keep myself from pulling the trigger.  When I heard what Nick had done, it really hit me in my core, as I felt a major connection and understanding, if what I was assuming was actually true.  

I wish I had known about what he was going through before he overdosed so severely on the medication.  I wish I could have shared my thoughts and my experiences and growth with him.  I wish I could have shared the happiness I have now that I have admitted to myself who I am and that I have admitted to those close to me who I am.  I wish I could have helped him live.

To Nick, rest in peace, friend.


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My condolences go out to you and everyone else Nick knew throughout his life. We're all here for you hon *snugs tightly and comforts*.

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